This post was originally published on November 19, 2009. I’m mindful of this topic since another friend of mine just had a baby yesterday (shout out, Jessie!). I’d love to hear your thoughts on what new parents need and whether or not you should “pay admission” to see a newborn!
My dear friend (who was previously on bed rest) had an absolutely beautiful baby girl last week. Tim and I were so excited to get to see her and her husband as new parents, and we were completely ecstatic about getting to see a brand new baby again. Even though we have a little one who is only 3 months old, she is already entirely different than she was just 90 days ago. She’s grown a few inches, doubled in weight, and her personality is really starting to shine now. We love her to pieces, but we already miss that teeny tiny little peanut we brought home from the hospital!
When we went to the hospital to visit, we knew we were in for a treat. We also remembered what it was like to be new parents (both exciting and also completely overwhelming) and what new parents need, so we brought a few things with us for the parents and the baby. In other words, we brought an admission fee! Later in the week I brought a dinner over to the family. I also got to see the little love muffin again! Now, I did not bring over dinner just so that I could see the baby. I brought dinner because I knew exactly how difficult it is to put together a meal when you are adjusting to a serious lack of sleep and a pretty much total loss of personal time (these things come back little by little, but the loss at the start can be quite shocking!). With that said, though, getting to see the baby was a really fun perk for me!
Newborns are so much fun to see and hold. It is no wonder that so many people want to come for a visit in the days and weeks immediately following a birth. But let me be clear about something: If you are going to visit new parents and their baby, pay an admission fee. You need to bring something with you. I’m not saying that you have to go buy a diaper cake, or bring over an 8 course meal from a restaurant. Rather, you need to either take the initiative to bring something practical (like a meal or some baby wipes, for example), or you need to ask what you can pick up from the store for them on your way over. Should they politely protest, know this: they are simply being polite. You need to be even MORE polite and bring something useful, anyway (even a gallon of milk and a few fruits and veggies would be nice!). It is so difficult to think as far ahead as even the next meal when you are a brand new parent, and anticipating the needs of your friends and family in this situation is such a great help. It is what new parents need! What isn’t helpful is coming over to see the baby, taking up their precious (yes, precious) free time with your visit, and leaving without helping them out in some small way.
What do you think about this issue?
My brother and sister in law won’t let us cook for them or do anything nice. My SIL is really possessive of the baby, and my Mum and I are limited to 45 minutes a week visitation time between us. It’s got my Mum really upset, because she just wants to be involved and help 🙁 We’re trying to be understanding and boost my SIL’s confidence and keep pointing out ‘Look! It’s your Mummy!’ to my nephew
What if they want you to come over and insist on making dinner for you?
It makes sense to me. I think its very a polite thing to do. Its a nice gesture to that person, that you understand as well. I always ask when I go somewhere if I can bring anything, same situation.
I agree with all the comments below! I always “pay admission” when visiting new babies. On the topic of visiting, the only thing I’d add is this:
Both my kids had jaundice, so they had to spend all the time they weren’t feeding on the bili light bed. And my son was a preemie who couldn’t regulate his body temp, so he had to stay in an incubator for a bit while in the hospital. I actually had visitors complain to me they were upset they couldn’t hold the baby, even when I had warned them in advance. Didn’t they think I was upset, too?!? There was nothing I wanted more than to spend 24/7 cuddling my newborn! So please, understand that the parents aren’t being rude to you when there is an actual medical condition that interferes with being able to snuggle the new little bundle of joy!
Thanks to everyone for the comments! I'm glad to see that other people also think this is a good idea. I do want to say that I should have done a better job in my post of clarifying what I mean by an admission fee. I don't believe that someone has to bring a material object over, or that parents should use their newborn as a means by which to score some free stuff. An act of service is also an excellent thing to bring to someone (for example, wash a few dishes while you are there or take the dog for a walk). The point I was trying to make is that new parents really need help, not to have to play host/hostess on top of everything else.
Many people who came to visit me when my kids were born brought things, but I never really noticed or was offended if they didn't. That said, it's definitely a wonderful gesture, and I'm going to be sure to always do this in the future.
I agree with you, Tiffany. Oftentimes, new parents are too polite to request anything (even when people ask) so it's nice just to bring something.
As you said, even small things are greatly appreciated…a complete meal, a bagful of snacks, a bottle of sparkling cider, a gift for the older sibling(s), etc. 🙂
stephanie@metropolitanmama.net
I am going tonight to see one of old oldest friends and her new baby who is being born… right now! 🙂 I am planning on taking a lovie, paci or burp cloths that she didnt get off her registry… she will need them right away!
Definitely! And guests shouldn't expect the new mother to be all "Hostess-y" and get offended if there's no tea and coffee cake served at your visit. Be lucky she's not in pjs and managed to brush her teeth. Be helpful, supportive and brief. Let the baby compliments flow and keep your parenting advice to yourself.
I think it's a great idea. If you are a family member, you could watch the baby so Mom could get a nap or whatever.
I have to disagree. When it comes to close family members, or friends that you consider family, they shouldn't have to bring anything to the hospital. The odds are that they were at the baby shower, possibly planned and hosted the babyshower, and gave gifts at that time. The point of going to the hospital is to meet the baby that is now a part of one's family and to show enthusiasm and support. If the parents are burdened by non-materialistic visitation from the people that mean so much to them then they shouldn't bother to have those relationships in the first place.
However, I do agree that friends and acquaintances should bring gifts to the hospital or not go at all. And anytime someone, family or not, makes a home visit they should make things easier on the new parents. As mentioned, a meal is extremely helpful but so is something small like changing a diaper or preparing a bottle.
Oh my gosh! You couldn't be more right. I LOVED the people that brought over food or diapers or lunch! The people who just came and sat and expected to be waited on (family!) I wanted to kick out of the house. Geeze! I think you should do a public service announcement on TV!
Ahhhhhhh, I so miss the little baby phase. My toddler is running around like a crazy man these days!
So true. I didn't mind visitors but I had a crazy easy delivery and Mason was a super easy baby. Good reminders. 🙂
That's really great of you! I agree — bring something or do some chores when you show up.
Oh, and visitors: Don't stay long! Keep your visit a lot shorter than you think it should be.