parenting tips

Why I’m Willing to Listen When My Child Cries or Tantrums

August 23, 2016 · by Tiffany Merritt · Leave a Comment

Enjoy today’s parenting guest post by Patty Wipfler, author of Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges. Copyright © Handin Hand Parenting, 2016. Affiliate links may be included.

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We humans are social animals. We all need connection with others. And sometimes, when we are overwhelmed with feelings, relating “properly” gets hard to do, especially for young children. But opening your heart and your arms to the feelings that are overwhelming your child allows her to clear her mind, lets her to think and learn unhindered by emotional baggage, and builds an essential level of trust and closeness in the relationship between you.

I know from personal experience, and I bet that you do to, that the gift of caring attention has helped me let out feelings that were interfering with my ability to relate well to someone I cared about. Being thoughtfully listened to leaves me feeling connected and understood, especially after I have acted cranky or unkind. It’s a gift that strengthens relationships.

It saddens me to think about the many, many upset or hurt or frightened children who have been sent off to the solitary confinement of their rooms until they can behave “properly.” I know parents love their children, and they probably didn’t have any other way modeled for them growing up, but what a lost opportunity to nurture and support a precious child. That would be like my husband or my best friend telling me, “I have no intention of loving all of you. I only want to see the parts that work for me. Go away until you can be easy for me to deal with.”

Here’s how this change of perspective worked for a mother in one of my classes,

Now, whenever there is a tantrum, I tell myself that, “I am thankful for the tantrum. Because my son/daughter is trying to communicate with me and I will be there for him/her.” I started really stopping and listening to their tantrums after the first class. However, the tantrums got worse! I wasn’t sure if this method really worked. But later on, I realized that it was because my son feels safer to express his feelings and tension to me. The second week, I did listened when they had a tantrum and we did Special Time. Amazingly, the occurrence of tantrums significantly decreased! Not only that but, both my husband and I enjoy the special time with our kids.

One day my son was upset that I didn’t give him something during breakfast. He started crying and screaming. I thought he was being unreasonable. In the past, I would say, “Eat your breakfast now and don’t be unreasonable.” But I stayed by him and listened to his cry. After about 10 minutes, he said, “I don’t want dad to go to work.” I am amazed that as I listened to his cry, his real issue surfaced – he misses his dad.

This new way of looking at tantrums has completely changed our parenting approach. Being able to connect to our children becomes the first priority in our relationship with them. It transformed us and helps us to be more confident parents.

Patty Wipfler and Tosha Schore are the co-authors of Listen: Five Simple Tools to Meet Your Everyday Parenting Challenges. To learn more about this unique approach to relationships in the family and get your own copy of Listen, click here.

Positive Discipline 101: Discipline Yourself First

June 7, 2016 · by Tiffany Merritt · Leave a Comment

Please enjoy this thought-provoking guest post from Rebecca Eanes on the topic of disciplining ourselves as parents first. Very worthwhile read!

Parents often want to know the best way to discipline their children, but learning to discipline ourselves first – that is to manage our own emotions and actions – is essential. Children learn the most from watching our example. No matter what discipline methods we decide upon, if we can’t discipline ourselves, it’s very difficult to effectively discipline our children. I learned this the hard way.

Approximately a year after my transition from conventional parenting methods to positive parenting, I noticed a worsening in my children’s attitudes and behaviors. I was disappointed, feeling that my efforts to change course had failed after all. It had worked so beautifully in the beginning, and I’d seen a great improvement in their behavior. We had reconnected and rebuilt a trusting relationship, and our home was a happy one. Suddenly, it all seemed to be going awry, and I didn’t understand why until I took a long, hard look in the mirror. One night, after I’d finally gotten them both to sleep after a long and difficult day, I realized a hard truth. My children’s behavior was off track because mine was off track. They were simply following my example.

I was poorly handling sleep deprivation and a bout of severe anxiety which was coming out in my quick temper and sharp tone. My toxic feelings were spilling out and affecting my children. Even though I was using all the “right methods” as it related to positive parenting, I wasn’t living what I was teaching, and the thing about children is that they learn most by what we live.

In 2014, I started an online group for parents who wanted to end the cycle of yelling because I had learned how important it was in the journey of positive parenting to be able to manage your own emotions and behaviors. Within weeks, thousands had joined. Parents yelled because they were tired. They yelled because they were overwhelmed. They yelled because they were stressed. Sometimes the yelling escalated to physical discipline or verbal abuse, and then there was the guilt. These parents were loving, good people who were struggling to discipline themselves, and though there were many instigators, it boiled down this: They didn’t take good enough care of their mental and emotional health and they didn’t know what to do with that bubbling hot anger that surfaces so quickly.

To be self-disciplined parents, we have to create margin for self-care. We can’t pour out all of ourselves every day and never take the time to fill back up. I think sometimes we feel guilty for taking care of our own needs – like we are selfish. It isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. Make yourself a priority, because the better you feel, the better you will be able to manage the frustrations that arise.

positive discipline

As for the bubbling, hot anger, here are some ways to deal with it when it arises:

1. If you feel the need to yell, use a loud, silly voice or say “toot toot” while cupping your mouth with your hands. Yes, you will look silly, but silly is better than scary to your kids.

2. Do something physical. Splash cold water on your face, jog in place, or do a few jumping jacks.

3. Walk away and step outside for a minute. Breathe in the fresh air and imagine it is filling you up with patience.

4. Say a mantra to yourself such as “I am a peaceful person.”

5. If you have a tendency to lash out and strike or spank your child when you are angry, walk away immediately. If you are followed, you may need to go to a room and lock the door while you repeat your mantra and breathe slowly.

6. Deep breaths in for a count of 4, hold for 7, slowly release for a count of 8. Repeat until you feel calm.

7. Look at a baby picture of your child. This will often bring back tender feelings of adoration.

8. Call a trusted partner or friend.

9. Close your eyes and imagine you are in peaceful surroundings.

10. Look at something funny or even make a silly face in the mirror or at your kids.

Rebecca Eanes is the founder of www.positive-parents.org, creator of the popular Facebook page Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond, contributing editor to Creative Child and Baby Maternity Magazines, and author of The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting. In her new book, Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, Rebecca shares her hard-won insights on giving up the conventional parenting paradigm to reconnect heart to heart with her children.

Affiliate links may be included at no cost to you.

The Best, Most Affordable Sleep Training Materials Coming to Video!

September 9, 2013 · by Tiffany Merritt · 6 Comments

Tim and I didn’t sleep train Darah until she was 13 months old, and we were all completely miserable. We vowed that we would do it sooner on with Layah. And guess who was the biggest barrier to doing so? ME! I am a total wimp when it comes to hearing my babies cry, and so in my exhausted state of mind every night, I could never understand how going through sleep training was a better choice than getting up 4-7 times to rock her back to sleep.

Baby Sleep Training

Fortunately, Tim had his wits about him and knew something had to give by the time Layah was 8 months old. We decided to try The Sleepeasy Solution, and it CHANGED. OUR. WORLD! The book was fantastic, but what I loved the most was the DVD option. You got to watch families going through the process and see exactly how the different steps worked. I cried while I watched it because I was so overjoyed at seeing those infants and toddlers learn how to put themselves to sleep in just a matter of 2 or 3 days. And I was hopeful for what our life would look like once the adults in the house got to go through complete REM cycles!

So when I heard about the 16 part video series all about The Sleepeasy Solution on Mom Assembly, I was thrilled to have the chance to partner with the company to tell you all about it. For the price of $15 (which is roughly the same price as the book) you get the entire process laid out for you in easily digestible videos that Jen and Jill, the two ladies behind the program, have made. It is as if you are sitting in one of their workshops and learning right along side other weary, worn out moms and dads.

I reviewed the videos and I thought they were AWESOME! Jen and Jill both have such calming personalities, and they are gentle with their parents, and understanding of all their concerns. They have been working with parents and children for over 15 years, so they really have a firm understanding of what is going on to keep sleeping through the night at bay, and they have suggestions that, in my experience, really do work.

What I love about the video format of this information is that the steps in the process are broken down into very manageable pieces (each video is between 6-12 minutes in length). So you can watch them any time you have even just a few minutes to spare (and let’s be real, sometimes that really is all we have!). Additionally, when you purchase the video workshop, you have the ability to pose questions, and those questions might be answered by other parents who also purchased the program OR they might be answered by Jen or Jill! Having access to their personal feedback is something extra special. And if you want all the information they review in written format, they even have 27 pages of information available in worksheet format for you. Basically you are getting the best of everything for one very reasonable price!

I’ve never seen an online workshop offer this level of detail and this level of access to the presenters for this price. And the subject matter is a total game changer. Tim and I honestly refer to our lives as parents in terms of pre-and post sleep training!

Whether you have a 5 month old or a 5-year-old who won’t sleep through the night, Jen and Jill have a plan that can help, I promise. They actually promise, too, and they offer a money-back guarantee if you don’t see results after following The Sleepeasy Solution method with your child. You have nothing to lose but sleepless nights!

And if you aren’t personally struggling with this issue, but you know someone who is, this video series would be an amazing gift to give. Affordable and life changing; who could ask for more!

Mom Assembly

The Sleepeasy Solution is just one of several fantastic video workshops available on Mom Assembly. You can also find a wide variety of videos that cover the following topics:

Behavior
Discipline
Feeding and Nutrition
First Year
Health and Wellness
Marriage and Relationships
Newborn Care
Pregnancy
Safety
School Aged Children
Sleep
Special Needs
Toddlers
Working Moms

Prices for the videos start at the great low price of FREE (!) and many of the courses you will find are in the $10-$15 range. What an amazing resource. I wish it had been around when I was new to this whole parenting gig!

I’d love to hear what you think of the videos being offered. Are there any topics that you are struggling with and that you’d like to see some video resources for? Mom Assembly wants to offer solutions for moms who need some extra help, and they would be grateful for your suggestions!

How We Got Our Baby to Sleep Through the Night (Sleepeasy Solution Review and GIVEAWAY!!!)

January 7, 2013 · by Tiffany Merritt · 56 Comments

I’ve been looking forward to this day for months and months now. The day when I could share with you that my baby is soundly sleeping through the night. I assumed that she would do it pretty much on her own, just as her sister did around 6 weeks of age.

Long story short, I couldn’t have been more wrong, and as Layah got older, she seemed to get worse and worse at putting herself to sleep and at staying asleep. She had absolutely no clue how to do either and Tim and I were at a loss for how to teach her.

One of the many reasons I am so thankful for the Stuff Parents Need community is that I not only get to be a resource for all of you, but all of you pay it back by becoming a resource for me when I need it. I reached out on Facebook asking for tips and suggestions for getting a little one to sleep through the night. On both my Stuff Parents Need Facebook account and my personal account, the Sleepeasy Solution was mentioned and lauded, so I decided to check it out.

I had a great email conversation with one of the founders, and I could immediately tell that she felt a true calling to helping parents through the sleep troubles that plague so many infants and toddlers. I decided that I wanted to try out the system, and was sent a book and DVD.

Now, to be honest with you, I wondered if it was redundant to have the DVD and the book. I remember thinking, “just one or the other should be fine!” And you definitely can get a complete understanding of the system by just having one or the other, but I’m SOOOO glad I had both, and I’ll tell you why.

The book is great for some of the nitty gritty questions you may have. I definitely referenced it a few times as we ran into specific problems when trying to implement the system. On night two of our training, we had some major fails, and it was only after going back through the book and re-reading some sections that we realized a critical error we were making (we tried to wean Layah off night feedings too quickly).

And the DVD is something I would recommend SO strongly, as I can’t even begin to explain how helpful it was to watch parents implementing the system, and to see coaching taking place during those difficult moments. You guys, I cried and cried watching that DVD because I empathized with the struggles of the parents, and because I felt a glimmer of hope as I watched those babies get the hang of it and put themselves to sleep. I wanted that so badly for my little girl, and by watching the process, I was better able to accept what we needed to do.

So what is the process? The Sleepeasy Solution emphasizes a very predictable bedtime routine for your little one (something we thoughts we were doing but after watching the DVD, realized we totally WEREN’T doing!). It also emphasizes removing sleep crutches (no falling asleep on the breast, no falling asleep with a pacifier, no falling asleep on mommy or daddy). Tim had been walking the top floor of our house for months with Layah at night time, swooshing and bouncing her to get her to fall asleep. He’d have to do it 2-4 times a night. And she always had a pacifier at sleep time.

The removal of the pacifier scared me more than anything else. But it also excited me more than anything else, because we didn’t do the hard work with Darah when we should have, and as a result, she gave up her binky on her third birthday, and it was an ORDEAL. Could we really break the pacifier habit AND get Layah sleeping through the night all at once?!?!

The final component of the Sleepeasy Solution is to put your baby in the crib awake so that she falls asleep on her own. At first, of course your baby will cry. You are set up to go in after 5 minutes, again after 10 minutes, and then again every 15 minutes until the baby falls asleep. This is the hardest part because when you go in, you are not to touch your child. You are to have a soft, calm and very positive voice and simply let the baby know you are there, they are safe, and that they can do it.

I think one of the most difficult things for a parent to do is to watch their child struggle. Every bone in your body aches to fix it for your kid. But for us, 7 months of “fixing” her struggle at night time resulted in such sleep-deprivation for me and for Tim that we genuinely felt uncomfortable driving our cars. Our reflexes were impaired. And to say we were grumpy with each other would be a very kind way to put it. Without a very basic need like sleep being met, it is hard to give time or energy to higher order pursuits. In short, we were miserable and our baby was, too.

It took us 4 days for Layah to really get the hang of putting herself to sleep, but she’s got it, now. We don’t nurse or bottle feed after bed time anymore (another thing we were doing at all hours of the night previously). She doesn’t use a pacifier to sleep, and she sleeps from about 6:30 -5:30 every day now. She seems so much more rested and alert during the day and I can tell you that Tim and I are finally coming out of that fog of sleep-deprivation.

It is nothing short of glorious. I am so thankful to my readers for recommending this program and I am so glad that Tim and I put in the hard work for a few days so that we could totally turn around all the bad sleep habits we had unwittingly introduced our daughter to over time. We are all happier and healthier.

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I received complimentary products for review purposes. All thoughts and opinions expressed here are strictly my own.