Please enjoy this thought-provoking guest post from Rebecca Eanes on the topic of disciplining ourselves as parents first. Very worthwhile read!
Parents often want to know the best way to discipline their children, but learning to discipline ourselves first – that is to manage our own emotions and actions – is essential. Children learn the most from watching our example. No matter what discipline methods we decide upon, if we can’t discipline ourselves, it’s very difficult to effectively discipline our children. I learned this the hard way.
Approximately a year after my transition from conventional parenting methods to positive parenting, I noticed a worsening in my children’s attitudes and behaviors. I was disappointed, feeling that my efforts to change course had failed after all. It had worked so beautifully in the beginning, and I’d seen a great improvement in their behavior. We had reconnected and rebuilt a trusting relationship, and our home was a happy one. Suddenly, it all seemed to be going awry, and I didn’t understand why until I took a long, hard look in the mirror. One night, after I’d finally gotten them both to sleep after a long and difficult day, I realized a hard truth. My children’s behavior was off track because mine was off track. They were simply following my example.
I was poorly handling sleep deprivation and a bout of severe anxiety which was coming out in my quick temper and sharp tone. My toxic feelings were spilling out and affecting my children. Even though I was using all the “right methods” as it related to positive parenting, I wasn’t living what I was teaching, and the thing about children is that they learn most by what we live.
In 2014, I started an online group for parents who wanted to end the cycle of yelling because I had learned how important it was in the journey of positive parenting to be able to manage your own emotions and behaviors. Within weeks, thousands had joined. Parents yelled because they were tired. They yelled because they were overwhelmed. They yelled because they were stressed. Sometimes the yelling escalated to physical discipline or verbal abuse, and then there was the guilt. These parents were loving, good people who were struggling to discipline themselves, and though there were many instigators, it boiled down this: They didn’t take good enough care of their mental and emotional health and they didn’t know what to do with that bubbling hot anger that surfaces so quickly.
To be self-disciplined parents, we have to create margin for self-care. We can’t pour out all of ourselves every day and never take the time to fill back up. I think sometimes we feel guilty for taking care of our own needs – like we are selfish. It isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. Make yourself a priority, because the better you feel, the better you will be able to manage the frustrations that arise.
As for the bubbling, hot anger, here are some ways to deal with it when it arises:
1. If you feel the need to yell, use a loud, silly voice or say “toot toot” while cupping your mouth with your hands. Yes, you will look silly, but silly is better than scary to your kids.
2. Do something physical. Splash cold water on your face, jog in place, or do a few jumping jacks.
3. Walk away and step outside for a minute. Breathe in the fresh air and imagine it is filling you up with patience.
4. Say a mantra to yourself such as “I am a peaceful person.”
5. If you have a tendency to lash out and strike or spank your child when you are angry, walk away immediately. If you are followed, you may need to go to a room and lock the door while you repeat your mantra and breathe slowly.
6. Deep breaths in for a count of 4, hold for 7, slowly release for a count of 8. Repeat until you feel calm.
7. Look at a baby picture of your child. This will often bring back tender feelings of adoration.
8. Call a trusted partner or friend.
9. Close your eyes and imagine you are in peaceful surroundings.
10. Look at something funny or even make a silly face in the mirror or at your kids.
Rebecca Eanes is the founder of www.positive-parents.org, creator of the popular Facebook page Positive Parenting: Toddlers and Beyond, contributing editor to Creative Child and Baby Maternity Magazines, and author of The Newbie’s Guide to Positive Parenting. In her new book, Positive Parenting: An Essential Guide, Rebecca shares her hard-won insights on giving up the conventional parenting paradigm to reconnect heart to heart with her children.
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